2nd Essay Commentary: Hayley Montes

Commenter: Beomseok Kim
Essay Title: Believe Me, it’s Torture

 Author: Hayley Montes

            This essay’s organization is well developed; it successfully builds from one idea and adds on information until Haley achieves her standpoint at that Christopher Hitchens successfully proves that waterboarding is a torture. But just to give a suggestion on improving the essay, I would first look at the introduction paragraph. First of all, the hook can be improved immensely. Although the current hook is an excerpt from the actual article by Hitchens, which is a possible strategy for a hook, but an eye-catching hook will work much better to start the whole essay. Just to give a suggestion for an attention-grabbing hook, replace the original hook with a very short excerpt of Hitchen’s experience of waterboarding. Just a glimpse of the sheer chilling feeling that readers would get is more than enough to tie the attention of the readers to the essay. Another important part of the introduction that can be improved is the thesis. The current thesis has the basic components of what a thesis should have, but I can be defined even further in detail. The current thesis is a little vague; the part “uses of ethos, logos, and pathos” can be explained a little further, which would wrap up and sum up the essay into one sentence in full detail. A suggestion that can be made with the thesis would be explaining how Hitchens uses ethos, logos, and pathos to bring his message to readers: something like ethos-Hitchens went through the simulation, logos-the agreement that Hitchens had to sign, pathos-the seriousness of this process.

            In the second paragraph, the author has declared that Hitchens uses logos by stating his own experience, thus adding credibility to what he is arguing about. If this is the case, stating what happened in his experience would be needed. It does not have to be every single thing that happened throughout the experience, but just the key facts that would convince the readers to

agree with the writer. Currently, this paragraph lacks that, and I think it would add power to the paragraph if this idea is taken into account. Another concern that I had in the second paragraph is the phrase “If that is not enough.” This statement makes the essay author look like she is doubting herself, which is not the best thing to do in an essay where your main goal is to convince someone.

            Besides that, the essay is in a good condition considering that this is still a rough draft. What I liked most about this essay is that I (unfortunately) disagreed with the writer of this essay- meaning that successfully got her point across to the reader (me), and I just happen to disagree because I have a different view point. Otherwise, I would not have even understood the essay in the first place if it was confusing to read. 

Essay 2 1st Draft

Beomseok Kim 

English 1B

Professor Brown

26 March 2013

“Water Boarding”: Nothing More or Nothing Less than a Torture Technique

The concept of torturing someone is a subject that we are very well aware of, and yet seem to feel that we are far away from. Considering this idea, for some people “water boarding” maybe a word that they have never heard of in their entire life. To those people who are not aware of the true meaning of “water boarding,” this word may trigger happy memories such as playing inside a pool with siblings, or surfing on top of the ocean waves. But the truth behind “water boarding,” is that it is a method of torture technique that is being imposed on the victim with water. Although there maybe people opposing views regarding this topic, but the method of “water boarding” is similar to the concept of torturing. To emphasize this idea, Christopher Hitchens, the author of the article “Believe Me, It’s Torture” from the Vanity Fair October 2011 issue, addresses his personal encounter of the method of “water boarding.” Hitchens successfully convinces his readers into believing that “water boarding” is in fact a torturing method, through his vivid descriptions of his experience, incorporating the words of Mr. Malcom Nance thus adding credibility to his argument, and his sheer choice of words that he uses throughout the article.

Christopher Hitchens vividly describes his own personal encounter of “water boarding” experience, appealing to the emotions of his readers. Hitchens mentions that before even starting

with his actual “water boarding” experience, he had to sign an agreement that describes this process as “[…] a potentially dangerous activity in which the participant can receive serious and permanent (physical, emotional and psychological) injuries and even death, including injuries and death due to the respiratory and neurological systems of the body,” warning him how dangerous “water boarding” actually is. To begin the process, he adds, “I was very gently yet firmly grabbed from behind, pulled to my feet, pinioned by my wrists, […] and cut off from the sunlight by having a black hood pulled over my face.” From signing the agreement and into starting the process, the description is so vivid that readers can see what is happening right before their eyes. Without a doubt, what they are seeing would be a start of a torturing process. Hitchens then goes on to add that “In this pregnant darkness, head downward, I waited for a while until I abruptly felt a slow cascade of water going up my nose. [The natural inhalating process] brought the damp cloths tight against my nostrils, as if a huge, wet paw had been suddenly and annihilatingly clamped over my face.” Hitchens’s description drives the readers to sit on the edge of the chair and to expect the obvious; the torture. With this words creating a vivid imagery of what he is going through, this whole process efficiently appeals to the pathos aspect to the readers by making them feel this and thus leaving it to the readers to decide if this horrible process is torture or not.

             Another method Hitchens uses to add to the idea that “water boarding” is a torturing process, is adding a credible source to support his argument.  The writer adds that he had read that “Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, invariably referred to as the ‘mastermind’ of the atrocities of September 11, 2011, had impressed his interrogators by holding out for upwards of two minutes before cracking.” What is cleverer, is that he puts his own experience results right afterwards, thus making a comparison: “Well, O.K, I admit that I didn’t outdo him,” adding to the idea of the harshness of the torture. What is stronger then this comparison is incorporating the words of Mr. Malcolm Nance, the author of The Terrorists of Iraq, and the person who tailed Al-Qaeda from the 1990s. His argument, regarding the adoption of water boarding by the US starts off by stating: “Waterboarding is a deliberate torture technique and has been prosecuted as such by our judicial arm when perpetrated by others.” Right from the beginning, an expert who had been tailing Al-Qaeda from the 1990s and a person who dealt with the nightmare of September 11, 2001 attack, defines waterboarding as “a deliberate torture technique.” It is nothing more or nothing less- just a method of torturing someone else. What is far more powerful is Nance’s second argument, which states: If we allow it and justify it, we cannot complain if it is employed in the future by other regimes on captive US citizens. It is a method of putting American prisoners in harm’s way.” Although it indicates that if you stay in the country you would be affected of it, but what this sentence is suggesting is that if the US does not abandon this technique, ultimately the country would be putting its own citizens at risk of the same torture technique by the hands of other countries. Jeopardizing with all American citizens’ freedoms – what can be more effective argument then this? In one way or the other, Hitchens brings home the concept of “waterboarding = torturing method” with Mr. Nance’s arguments.

             Not only that, Hitchens also connects the two methods in making his article successful by his choice of words, diction. His choice of words seems so perfect and precise; that it looks like his diction connects the two methods, thus creating a far strengthened argument then the previous one. Right from the beginning, he starts off his article with “Here is the most chilling way I can find of stating the matter.” Hitchens tells the readers right in the front that this is the most “chilling” way that he can describe this. And then he continues to use words such as inflicted, harsh, barbarism, a lawless foe, interrogation, darkened, injuries, death, drowning,

Behading, [and  even phrases like] the languages of torture,” throughout the whole entire article functions in a way that these words pin the readers into this subject and make them keep the “chill” that they start with until the end of this article. It not only connects the methods of appealing to the emotions of readers and adding credibility, but creating a far greater argument that would last in the readers mind for a very long time.

             The writer Christopher Hitchens successfully defines the process of “water boarding” as a method of torturing. He achieves this by describing in detail of what the writer himself felt while going through the experience of the activity of “water boarding,” painting the vivid visual in his readers mind of the pain and the suffering that he went through. Not only that, adding creditable source to his argument strengthens it, thus making it so much more reassuring. After reading his article, it is very difficult to disagree with the author, which proves that Hitchens successfully achieves what he meant to do with this article.  

Regarding the pain of others

1. Which is more helpful, taking a picture of a baby who is starved or helping a baby by giving food or taking hospital?

2. What is the meaning of taking picture in during a war?

3. How people think and react towards picture during a war?

Kevin Carter (1960-1994) is a photographer who received the Pulitzer Prize in 1994.  His award winning photo depicted a starving boy who bends his body without any hope, and there is a vulture waiting for him to, presumably, die in the background. Although this picture earned him the Pulitzer Prize, it was one of the reasons that ultimately drove Carter to commit suicide.

Many people condemned Carter saying that he should have helped the boy rather than just taking a picture, and that made him feel a sense of shame and guilt. I personally think this is ironic because not everyone can fairly judge what Carter chose to do at that time. In addition had Carter not shot the photo at that time then he would not have raised awareness of the famine in Sudan and people would not have a discussion about it to begin with.  Many people have no experiences of war and don’t know how harsh and cruel it can truly be.  It’s easy to judge someone else especially with the power of hindsight.

In Regarding the Pain of Others by Susan Sontag she tries to spread the awareness of feeling other people’s pain. People have no true attention and awareness towards war despite the abundance of photographs of it because they think it is unrelated to them directly in terms of fearing for their own life, their family’s or loss of their home. Sontag says she feels pity for people because they’re becoming more insensitive to others’ pain and especially in times of war. The way the media depicts war is wave after wave of graphic photographs but this doesn’t invoke people to feel sympathy to one another’s pain.

What's so Bad About Hate

1. Is there no solution for stopping hate each other?
2. Was hate crime existed before modern times?
3. If hate is natural sentiment of human, what makes people hate each other?

We all experience things like hate, love, joy, and sadness, but they all start from emotions. As mentioned by Andrew Sullivan, feelings of fear, authority, envy, and revenge may spawn fear. However, there are few things we can understand about hate. First of all, there are many reasons why people hate each other, but the catalyst that makes conflict worse is prejudice. People like to think of themselves first, than understand and consider other people's positions. Therefore, the bad term goes worse if there is once conflict occurred. Another thing is prevention of hate crimes. We are social beings so having conflict is natural; however, we can find that hate is also getting out of hand by checking the F.B.I statistics on hate crimes. Hate crimes appear to be leading deeper into other conflicts. It may be difficult to quickly reduce global statistics right now, but we should not give up the possibility to improve conditions we face right now. Whether negative human emotions, such as hate is natural or not, we still need to live in a civil manner, and it seems that most cultures agree that racial discrimination is unethical. At last, we can educate people on the truth. We are human. Everyone has different dreams and goals, but we are not living alone. We have to think others as much as we can. If we can let people know how respect others, hate problems will be also diminished.

Essay 1 Final Draft

Beomseok Kim

Professor Brown

English 1B

5th March 2013

Relationship Disconnected

             For almost 20 years, the Internet has weaved its way into our everyday life. It has evolved our previous methods of receiving information and socially interacting with others. Many of our lives are so intertwined with the web, however, that disconnection will almost always promise a negative consequence. If people cannot use the Internet for even a few days then this will slow down our lives as a whole. Although advancement of the Internet has brought conveniences to people, the relationship between us in everyday society is becoming more distant than before. Our dependence solely on the Internet wherever and whenever has degraded our real life interaction as a result.

What is the most common thing people do when they are waiting their order at a restaurant? It is probably using their phone. The advent of Wi-Fi technology and the smartphone has brought many conveniences to people using the Internet wherever and whenever they please. In The Shallows, Nicolas Carr mentioned, “The technology is just a tool, inert until we pick it up and inert again once we set it aside.” (Nicholas). However, the chance of talking to others in real life is getting decreased because people would rather use their smartphone to contact with others than a face to face interaction. Social network services such as Facebook and Twitter facilitate people and their online relations even further by adding them as “Facebook Friends” or “Tweeting” each other respectively. People from all over the globe who might have no previous connection in real life with one another suddenly now have one through the Internet. Those people become more interested in their new online relationships rather than their real life connections such as family and friends.

             There are other numerous false connections made on the Internet. People are exposed to advertisements while they are using social networks. People can “Facebook Follow” or “Facebook Like” their favorite celebrity stars to check out what they say and view photographs on a daily basis. In Do People Like Being Featured in Facebook Ads, “Facebook is turning its users into unpaid pitchmen in a type of advertisement known as a sponsored story. Companies can pay Facebook to generate automated ads when someone “likes” their brand or product, or reference it in some other way” (Jenna). It may seem a common person and a celebrity share a connection here; however, this is ultimately a commercial marketing ploy and one-sided news devoid of an actual, meaningful dialogue.

There are also people who use Twitter and gain popularity without sharing original thoughts or news with one another. Found in Why the Internet Isn’t Making Us Stupid, the author mentioned, “You can easily unfollow or follow someone, so you can build this social newspaper that you’re the editor of” (Bilton). Although Twitter does, in fact, allow this the author is under the assumption that all news and information on Twitter or anywhere else on the Internet is true. While people can “Twitter Follow” news from whomever they please and share their “Twitter Tweets”, or messages, with other users, what if that news source is not true? This creates a spread of false news to many other users through the use of Twitter. People can not only create fake relationships but also news on the Internet through manipulation and abuse of anonymity.

             Social networks haven’t always had a negative impact on relationships in society however. When Japan was battered by huge earthquakes and tsunamis a year ago, the Internet was the only thing to contact with others because those natural disasters disconnected almost everything except the use of Wi-Fi in the entire country. All social network users spread news through the Internet as there were thousands of Facebook posts, “Twitter Tweets” and videos shared on YouTube. In the article, Japan Earthquake and Tsunami: Social Media Spreads News, Raises Relief Funds, “The record-setting 8.9 magnitude earthquake that rocked Japan today sent million around the globe to social media website to spread news, share videos and donate to help victims of the quake and the tsunami in the Pacific” (Bradley). Thousands of people who lost their family and house could get help not only financially, but also mentally by deriving encouragement from the world through the Internet. However, there were also groups who made fake charities to deceive people for their own greedy benefit. Therefore unless people abuse the Internet for their own agenda then the Internet will help bring society together and improve relationships in society.

In conclusion while the Internet is a great invention people have not known how to use it in the best manner possible. People have become so dependent on the Internet because of its conveniences that human relationships, in real life, have become neglected in terms of family and friends. People are now more likely to connect via social networks such as Facebook and Twitter with their friends rather than going to their homes and conversing in real life, face to face. As a result they are now exposed to commercial marketing which creates even more fake online relationships. Before more advances in Internet technology are made we, as a society, need to improve upon our use of it at the end of the day. Otherwise we will forget how to form relationships in reality and only have conversations through the Internet in the near future.

Works Cited

Blackburn, Bradley. "Japan Earthquake and Tsunami." ABC. ABC World News, 11 Mar. 2011.         Web. 18 Feb. 2013. <http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/japan-earthquake-tsunami          drive-social-media-dialogue/story?id=13117677>.

Carr, Nicholas G. "THE WATCHDOG AND THE THIEF." Preface. The Shallows: What the            Internet Is Doing to Our Brains. New York: W.W. Norton, 2011. 3. Google Books. Google. Web.<http://books.google.com/books?id=1KayoVl3OTMC&printsec=frontc             over&dq=the+shallows&hl=en&sa=X&ei=ycQiUfTwBOKDjALQ8oCADQ&ved=             CDgQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false>.

Webley, Kayla. "Why the Internet Isn't Making Us Stupid." Why the Internet Isn't Making Us           Stupid 07 Oct. 2010: n. pag. Time. Web. 18 Feb. 2013.    <http://www.time.com/time/business/article/0,8599,2023997,00.html>

Wortham, Jenna. "Do People Like Being Featured in Facebook Ads?" Bits Do People Like  Being Featured in Facebook Ads Comments. The New York Times, 31 May 2012.      Web. 05 Mar. 2013.

Commentary for Natasha Mitchell

Commentary by: Beomseok Kim

Essay Title: Internet Causing Suppression of Individuality

Essay Written by: Natasha Mitchell

First of all, I think you made great construction on your essay. Thesis statement is not only very specific, but also complex and arguable that fulfilled the essay prompt elements very well. And also, thesis statement has included clear direction in each body paragraph. There are fair and accurate objections can be seen both in refutation and other paragraph that make consideration of potential objections to the arguments. But, I was doubtful about your argument while I have read whole essay, and read it again few times. It was good that you tried to make your argument more arguable to readers to have opposite side of your opinion; however, I think it is not reasonable and strengthen enough in some parts of your argument. I will try to point out each of paragraph step by step in order to make you understand what I try to give advice.

                In your introduction, there are specific, complex, and arguable thesis statement at the last, but I think you should begin the paper with a question that was raised in the class as essay prompt written. I totally agree with your opinions that people became more dependent in their attitude towards the Internet. When people want to know some information, they might just type into web search and do not double-check it is correct or not. It happens many times to people who use Wikipedia. However, it might not be true that the Internet makes people suppressing their individuality and declining creativity. There are someone copy and duplicate someone’s idea to share with others on the web, but there are more people like to share their own ideas as well. For example, people use Twitter and Facebook to share their own idea or thinking. When they share and spread some news, they also comment on it. It makes people to put their own idea and share with others. Restricting the Internet as a necessary evil might not be reasonable to readers to agree with your opinion. It is more unreasonable than arguable. Whether people like to constantly compare and contrast their lives with their peers, family, and popular celebrities or not, it might not because of the Internet. People who have more bad effects than positive effects through the Internet usually don’t take an active part in using the Internet, and might be a person who just dependent on the Internet as you mentioned. Those are not people live independent for anything; they are not limited only to using the Internet. To sum up, if you make more reasonable and develop strengthen your opinion in your argument, it will be great essay that has great composition and argument. It has not enough a compelling defense of confirmation in the face of counterarguments so that a neutral audience would not like to be likely to take the side of your argument. And, don’t forget to add more relevant source in your essay. It has to be at least four relevant print sources in the essay. 

Commentary: Natasha Marsh (choose wrong person)

Commentary made by: Beomseok Kim

Essay Title: Positive Effects of Modern Techonology

Written by: Natasha Marsh

First of all, I totally agree with your argues in the essay. Technology, such as the Internet, has brought great advantages and positive ways to people. I wrote my essay topic as about the Internet either. As this essay is first draft, there are many parts supposed to be fixed or strengthened to make your argument more reasonable and persuasive to readers. I will try to give some advices for each paragraph step by step.

At the middle of introduction, “they may not be looking at all the positive attributes is has to offer the world”, I cannot see enough examples in entire of essay. If it is about fifth paragraph, children use cellphone all the time during family dinner in the restaurant, there should be more examples to make arguable.

 Second, it needs more example or different idea on the second paragraph because without technology people still can contact each other through mail. Technology has brought people can contact easily way than mail. You need to mention its conveniences.

 At the third paragraph, you mentioned there are more advantages than disadvantages, however, there is no enough explanation of how it is more positive way or advantage on social website and dating site are becoming popular. And, the last three sentences are bit confusing to understand. I am wondering that you are meaning that technology might make people disconnect each other, but it is depending on people that how they use.

As well as the third paragraph, I think it needs more examples for how technology strengthens people’s relationship in fourth paragraph as you mentioned. If it is because technology made people can contact with anyone, anywhere, and anytime, then it is good to have more examples.

I strongly agree with your supporting claims in fifth paragraph. Your personal experiences in working restaurant gives your argument more persuasive to readers, however, I think it is not only for children, matured adults also have same problem; you might see there is a couple or friends comes to restaurant without any conversation, but they just use their cellphones. It happens to any generation in these days, but I agree that especially children who were born before the era that there were no PC and cellphone need to have more education of them by their parents.

To sum up, I agree with your opinions, but most of paragraphs are needed to be more specific. And, you need to have three more relevant print sources in your essay.