Commentary for Natasha Mitchell

Commentary by: Beomseok Kim

Essay Title: Internet Causing Suppression of Individuality

Essay Written by: Natasha Mitchell

First of all, I think you made great construction on your essay. Thesis statement is not only very specific, but also complex and arguable that fulfilled the essay prompt elements very well. And also, thesis statement has included clear direction in each body paragraph. There are fair and accurate objections can be seen both in refutation and other paragraph that make consideration of potential objections to the arguments. But, I was doubtful about your argument while I have read whole essay, and read it again few times. It was good that you tried to make your argument more arguable to readers to have opposite side of your opinion; however, I think it is not reasonable and strengthen enough in some parts of your argument. I will try to point out each of paragraph step by step in order to make you understand what I try to give advice.

                In your introduction, there are specific, complex, and arguable thesis statement at the last, but I think you should begin the paper with a question that was raised in the class as essay prompt written. I totally agree with your opinions that people became more dependent in their attitude towards the Internet. When people want to know some information, they might just type into web search and do not double-check it is correct or not. It happens many times to people who use Wikipedia. However, it might not be true that the Internet makes people suppressing their individuality and declining creativity. There are someone copy and duplicate someone’s idea to share with others on the web, but there are more people like to share their own ideas as well. For example, people use Twitter and Facebook to share their own idea or thinking. When they share and spread some news, they also comment on it. It makes people to put their own idea and share with others. Restricting the Internet as a necessary evil might not be reasonable to readers to agree with your opinion. It is more unreasonable than arguable. Whether people like to constantly compare and contrast their lives with their peers, family, and popular celebrities or not, it might not because of the Internet. People who have more bad effects than positive effects through the Internet usually don’t take an active part in using the Internet, and might be a person who just dependent on the Internet as you mentioned. Those are not people live independent for anything; they are not limited only to using the Internet. To sum up, if you make more reasonable and develop strengthen your opinion in your argument, it will be great essay that has great composition and argument. It has not enough a compelling defense of confirmation in the face of counterarguments so that a neutral audience would not like to be likely to take the side of your argument. And, don’t forget to add more relevant source in your essay. It has to be at least four relevant print sources in the essay. 

Commentary: Natasha Marsh (choose wrong person)

Commentary made by: Beomseok Kim

Essay Title: Positive Effects of Modern Techonology

Written by: Natasha Marsh

First of all, I totally agree with your argues in the essay. Technology, such as the Internet, has brought great advantages and positive ways to people. I wrote my essay topic as about the Internet either. As this essay is first draft, there are many parts supposed to be fixed or strengthened to make your argument more reasonable and persuasive to readers. I will try to give some advices for each paragraph step by step.

At the middle of introduction, “they may not be looking at all the positive attributes is has to offer the world”, I cannot see enough examples in entire of essay. If it is about fifth paragraph, children use cellphone all the time during family dinner in the restaurant, there should be more examples to make arguable.

 Second, it needs more example or different idea on the second paragraph because without technology people still can contact each other through mail. Technology has brought people can contact easily way than mail. You need to mention its conveniences.

 At the third paragraph, you mentioned there are more advantages than disadvantages, however, there is no enough explanation of how it is more positive way or advantage on social website and dating site are becoming popular. And, the last three sentences are bit confusing to understand. I am wondering that you are meaning that technology might make people disconnect each other, but it is depending on people that how they use.

As well as the third paragraph, I think it needs more examples for how technology strengthens people’s relationship in fourth paragraph as you mentioned. If it is because technology made people can contact with anyone, anywhere, and anytime, then it is good to have more examples.

I strongly agree with your supporting claims in fifth paragraph. Your personal experiences in working restaurant gives your argument more persuasive to readers, however, I think it is not only for children, matured adults also have same problem; you might see there is a couple or friends comes to restaurant without any conversation, but they just use their cellphones. It happens to any generation in these days, but I agree that especially children who were born before the era that there were no PC and cellphone need to have more education of them by their parents.

To sum up, I agree with your opinions, but most of paragraphs are needed to be more specific. And, you need to have three more relevant print sources in your essay.

Believe Me, It's torture

1.Should waterboarding be stopped or be replaced to other interrogation?

2.What other interrogation techniques are conducted currently? Are theyconsidered unethical as well?

3.If waterboarding is needed as a method of torture for someone like terrorist, how do you decide who is eligible?

Christopher Hitchen mentioned in his article “Believe Me, It’s Torture” that waterboarding is not almost drowning, it is drowning, and he indicated it as an unethical way to interrogate prisoners captured by the U.S. Military. His experience detailed an explanation of how mercilessly and unethical the process is making his argument more persuasive to readers. As he mentioned, there are groups such as Al Qaeda that have been trained professionally for a long time to increase their resiliance against conciliatory measures; however, he explained that waterboarding has brought successful results against individuals, breaking their silence and leaking information that led to the death Osama Bin Laden and other terrorist leaders. It means waterboarding is terrible and diabolical interrogation technique that even trained agents and soldier cannot stand.
I believe there should be no compromising with terrorists because it might expose our forces to further danger. We should consider the reasons why we must conduct interrogations before we consider the ethics of harming guilty individuals. My position before reading the article leaned towards opposing brutal and unethical interrogations, but now I'm more supporting of interrogation if there is no other alternative. Yes, it is dangerous enough to affect someone's life, but it brings protection to our lives and family while also providing infomation that prevents needless dead on both sides. The interrogation of someone involved with terrorism may breach the lines of what is ethical, but when the terroist dismissed ethics, it created a conflict much deeper than the pain of one man.

1st Essay

Beomseok Kim
Professor Brown
English 1B
19th Feb 2013

Life Disconnected

Is the Internet changing the way we think? One of the greatest discoveries of our past was learning to manipulate fire, but is it unreasonable to think that the ability to share information worldwide might be considered a greater achievement? For almost 20 years, the Internet has weaved its way into our everyday life. It has evolved our previous methods of receiving information and socially interacting with others. Business utilizes its potential and we consumers feed off of its convenience. But is that all? No, the Internet is more than a mere tool that we have shaped in order to provide the luxuries of a quick buck. Many of our lives are so intertwined with the web that disconnection will almost always promise a negative consequence. If people cannot use the Internet for even a few days, systems which our society are now reliant on would likely falter and create a tremendous impact on our transportation, trade, health and energy. When Japan was battered by huge earthquake and tsunami a year ago, the Internet was only thing to contact with others to someone because the earthquake disconnected all electricity, but Wi-Fi was not disconnected in some areas. All social media in the world spread news in the web; there were thousands of videos shared on YouTube and brand news were updated by Facebook and Twitter. In the article Japan Earthquake and Tsunami: Social Media Spreads News, Raises Relief Funds, “The record-setting 8.9 magnitude earthquake that rocked Japan today sent millions around the globe to social media website to spread news, share videos and donate to help victims of the quake and the tsunami in the Pacific” (Bradley).  We have so far removed ourselves from basic survival that many people cannot live without the Internet anymore. It has changed not only our way of life, but also how we think. It has become an intimate connection to us; it bringing us our lifestyle but also changing our train of thought.

What are the most common things people do after they wake up and wash? They might check e-mail, scan the news, or refer to their calendar; all on their connection device and while grabbing a cup of coffee. The advancement of computer technology has given people access to the Internet in more convenient ways, allowing them to connect anytime and anywhere. Wi-Fi technology is one of those achievements. Not only is used as a marketing tactic to bring in customers, it provides a safe location where people can connect to the grid, free of charge and in public places. Starbucks, Airports, and Fast-food restaurant are just a few examples of businesses, which are rapidly changing, as not keeping up with the social demand deflects consumer desires and ultimately leads to a sub-par reputation for the company.
            Communities of certain interests have also grown from nothing to give a common voice to those seeking one. With the ability to share intimate information on a moments notice, people have found answers to their questions and concerns by looking to other people. By creating web accounts and subscribing to certain sites, identifications are built and used to represent personalities. It creates links to our past and future by allowing us to reconnect with old friends and giving us the ability to customize new ones we might be seeking. Artistic careers are built, music is shared, dictators are overthrown, days are wasted, and presidents are elected. The range is near limitless, and our civilization has grown into one that depends on our ability to know the details quickly so we can move on to something new.

            Advancement of Internet technology has also brought new types of leisurely activity. Previously, the only outlet provided to gamers who wished for human competition came in the form of a friend coming over, a cord and two TV’s. Now people can find fresh competition from almost anywhere in the world all while sitting in the comfort of their own homes. In past few years, Social Network Services became known to people and millions began relying on them to serve as the front lines of information collecting. In Why the Internet Isn’t Making Us Stupid, the author mentioned, “you can build this social newspaper that you’re the editor of” (Bilton). This means that sites like Twitter serve the individual, and self-promotion reaches the point where personal lives and the sharing of every trivial detail, replaces the conventional news source.

The invention of the Internet may be considered as great a tool for society building as the wheel was for transportation. Some will not agree that our need to be connected has affected our way of thinking and lifestyle that much because there are cultures and individuals of another generation who personally have never experienced using the Internet. There are people who do not like the Internet becoming supplanted for other tangible objects like books or newspapers. In Is Google Making Us Stupid, Nicholas Carr mentioned that he cannot concentrate on reading book through the web, “Now my concentration often starts to drift after two or three pages. I get fidgety, lose the thread, begin looking for something else to do.” (Nicholas). However, these problems will not be given much consideration, as the masses are able to conform, even if he cannot. It becomes a matter of adapt or die, in the case of the internet, adapt or be a step behind everyone in almost all aspects of information gathering efficiency. In The Shallows, Nicolas Carr mentioned, “The technology is just a tool, inert until we pick it up and inert again once we set it aside.” (Nicholas) Nicholas Carr only overlooked the Internet’s flaws and missed the fact that times are changing quickly and if you get left too far behind, you will likely suffer a severe disadvantage in future exploits.

            The advancement of the Internet let people use it anywhere and anytime. The Internet facilitates people creating another he or she in the web and building connection and sharing information with others. People have been changing not only attitude towards the Internet, but also way of thinking through the Internet by sharing millions of thoughts and information with many people through the web. The Internet is not merely a great tool that makes people more convenient while there are still people who have no experienced using the Internet or do not prefer the Internet becomes the supplanted for everything. Someone might think people are controlled by the Internet and try not to use it. However, majority started using the Internet as globally; people treat the Internet as the basic essential in this world. People invented and developed the Internet; however, now the people have been changing by the Internet. 

Works Cited

Blackburn, Bradley. "Japan Earthquake and Tsunami." ABC. ABC World News, 11 Mar.  2011. Web. 18 Feb. 2013. <http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/japan-earthquake          tsunami-drive-social-media-dialogue/story?id=13117677>.

Carr, Nicholas. "Is Google Making Us Stupid?" The Atlantic. N.p., July-Aug. 2008. Web. 18         Feb. 2013. <http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/07/is-google-making   us-stupid/306868/>.

Carr, Nicholas G. "THE WATCHDOG AND THE THIEF." Preface. The Shallows: What the       Internet Is Doing to Our Brains. New York: W.W. Norton, 2011. 3. Google Books.        Google. Web.  <http://books.google.com/books?id=1KayoVl3OTMC&printsec=frontcover&dq=th            +shallows&hl=en&sa=X&ei=ycQiUfTwBOKDjALQ8oCADQ&ved=0CDgQ6AE            AA#v=onepage&q&f=false>.

Webley, Kayla. "Why the Internet Isn't Making Us Stupid." Why the Internet Isn't Making Us       Stupid 07 Oct. 2010: n. pag. Time. Web. 18 Feb. 2013.         <http://www.time.com/time/business/article/0,8599,2023997,00.html>

Lady Gaga and the Death of Sex

 1.       Camille criticizes whatever Lady Gaga has done so far; based on her interviews and  
        what she said in TV and magazine are different to her lyrics of song and music 
        videos.    Does Gaga need to act up to what she says in her interview and her 
        musical activities? Is it supposed to be harshly criticized thing?

      

      2.       Camille argues that Gaga got manufactured her personality for her business. Is it 

             true?

      

      3.       Camille compares Gaga and other artists, singers especially, to help her argues 

             towards Lady Gaga. Isn’t Lady Gaga qualified as an artist than other past or current 

             artists?

  It is true that Lady Gaga has been a big star in few years. It is also right that big star has to be cautious whatever he or she does because the meaning of big star is being not only a person who has many fan but also a representative of them. Lady Gaga tends to act whatever she likes to do, and it brought many issues whether she wants that or not. Lady Gaga’s fan, little monsters, like her personality because they say she is honest about her feelings and straightforward to what she thinks. However, people who do not like her say she has to think before she acts or doubt whatever she does and regard it as showmanship for her own business by drawing attention. Camille says that Lady Gaga got manufactured her personality only for her business. And she mentions Lady Gaga’s background and childhood to support her argument. As she introduced in her essay, Lady Gaga was comfortable and affluent when she was young. Camille also mentioned that Gaga attended to private school to prove her affluent childhood. Are these can really support her argument? It is hard to say yes because whether Gaga has grown up in that family, she could be an artist who can express lonely, rebellious, marginalized feelings. Camille appraisals the fan of Gaga is misfits in life or marooned in a global technocracy of fancy gadgets. And she compares Gaga and other artists to disparage Gaga’s talent as an artist. In my opinion, artist is a person who can give impression to others and Gaga is a great artist from this point of view whether her sing and piano skills are not better than other artists.  

2nd post: A Marketplace of Echoes

1.       The author, David Weinberger, refers that the Internet making us stupid or smart at the end of part; however, he rather shows his position than keeps neutral position. What are his opinions towards the Internet?

2.       Does the diversity in the web give us positive or negative effect?

3.       Wikipedia, an online encyclopedia that anyone can edit and post, has brought great conveniences of sharing information. However, there are some issues occurred because of its diversity. Does it major issue that include harmful effects into our society?

 Wikipedia is a collaboratively edited, multilingual, free internet encyclopedia supported by the non-profit Wikimedia Foundation (Wikipedia). Yes, this online encyclopedia is made for sharing information to anyone in this world. Basically, the information is written collaboratively by volunteers, and the volunteers can be anyone. Before the Internet was supplied in world, there were many barriers to share information because some information were too limited and not known to people. The best means of sharing information is what Wikipedia has chosen: anyone can share the information to make the information more precise. However, the problem is also accompanied which is about people can post or edit wrong or manipulated information. Before the Internet has supplied, there are only few methods people can get new information. It was basically asking others or searching from the book. In these days, people just turn on their PC and type into search engine such as, Google or Yahoo. Most people believe the information in the web without any doubt of its accuracy of the information like newspaper and TV. As more people in the world started to use the Internet, more information can be shared to us; however, there are also many people who manipulate information getting increased for their own benefits or just for fun. And the information has not to include their own idea or opinion; however, people sometimes believe what they want to believe and persuade others as they want, so they put their opinions in the information in the web such as Wikipedia. If there are some groups get benefits by manipulated information, then someone might try to change it as fact. This is also asserted problem in mass media such as, newspaper and TV. Data becomes power these days. Products are no longer most important things in the world, the most important and precious thing is the information.